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Anyway, Training Camp starts tomorrow and lasts for a week. This week AIM will recreate as much as what life on the field will look like. How that will be is not something I'm really looking forward to. What will transpire in my heart and the hearts of my squadmates will be absolutely worth it though. The conflicting emotions welling up inside just makes me nauseous sometimes. I'll save a post til after I come back from Training Camp.
I can't yet find a title to fit just exactly what I'm feeling
or where I am. This is my third draft. The title will do.
It's already May 10th. Just yesterday it seemed
the new year was only starting. The rumor is that we won't leave until July 10th,
and if that's true, the fact is I have exactly two months left in the States.
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind and while I enjoy the busy
busyness of life, I find myself longing for time to slow down.
In two days, seniors from NC State will graduate. They'll
enter into the realm that college promised to prepare them for. They'll
discover that college didn't really prepare them for anything, but they'll live
and they'll learn and they'll move on with life. In the next few weeks, 6 or 7
of my friends will head out to the good things the Lord has called them to.
Thank You Jesus. It's been a privilege and an honor to be a part of their lives
and watch them grow in joy and in love for Jesus. And then I'll be gone, for
almost a year.
The audacity to leave in the middle of everyone's lives has
plagued my heart for a long time. It makes me long for Home, to long for
eternity. It's not the fact that people will be different or that I'll be
different but that life itself will be different - radically different. In the
excitement of the past five years, I realize I could never have predicted the
absolute joys He has wooed me to, and the beautiful confidence in Jesus He has
continually instilled in my frail heart. Even in the midst of writing this, the
Lord was just reminding me to set my eyes on the Unchanging One. My heart's
aflutter in the unpredictability of life and consequently quieted by the One
who holds all of life in His hands.
I am absolutely ecstatic for the Race. But there's so much
here and now I don't want to miss. I want to sit in the stillness of the
Spirit, listen to the unfailing promises of the Father, and witness the
transforming power of Jesus' love. If that's in Raleigh then wonderful, and if
it's in the mountains of Nepal then beautiful - I just want to be where He is.
Jesus, You're the only tranquility to my quivering heart.
Thank you all SO much for your support. In your donations, in your prayers, in the conversations I've had with you, I am constantly blessed, blown away, and humbled by your obedience to the Lord. My gratitude towards all of you is absolutely understated and cannot be expressed enough.
Everyone of you has been an integral part, no matter how small or how short our interactions have been, in the Lord shaping my heart. As I constantly go over my list of supporters, I am continually reminded of your influence on my life, constantly pointing me to Jesus. I absolutely mean it. Each and every one of you! Whether it's the love you shown my parents and them absolutely using your love as beautiful examples, or your continual desire to pour into me especially as an awkward teenager, or your faithfulness to raising children that have been wonderful friends to me, or the examples I've seen in you personally in my interactions with you, I have fondly sent you support letters because of your impact on my life. I wish I could instill in you how truthful my words are right now. I cannot even touch the gravity of my gratefulness for you!
In sending out letters and in speaking to groups about my trip, I neglected strategic planning or efficiency for the sake of praying for each of you. In stuffing envelopes with letters, I chose not to have others help in order to use the time to thank the Lord for you, asking Him to expand His love in your heart as well as mine. In speaking to groups, I prayed for your hearts to be changed for the desires the Lord has for you, and put aside planned talking points in allowing room for the Spirit to speak. I don't say this because I desire attention towards anything I've done, I say this because as much as it's about what the Lord is doing in me, it's just as much about what the Lord is doing in you.
So let the Father of lights come and radically change who you are, through walking along side me in this crazy journey or by some other means. I pray that my letters would be more of a challenge to your lives than an invitation to give support (though I hope the latter certainly isn't neglected). Let JESUS be exactly who He says He is. And consequently, let your hesitation be turned into joyful adoration of the One who is Love. Jesus is calling you to Himself. What's more beautiful than that? Let Him empty you of yourselves that you may be filled with all of Him and walk in joyful obedience in the desires that He has for your life!
Jesus, You are faithful in our faithlessness. Glorify Yourself because when that is done, lives are changed. In each of these people's lives, do work that only Your Spirit can do. Jesus You are freedom, life, peace, hope, joy! Let the words in Psalm 63 ring true in all of our hearts - "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you!" Jesus You are more lovely than we can ever imagine. Come and change us to be more like You. Amen.
I'm letting go and just letting words flow in some form or fashion
that just naturally grows and blows up into something so lovely and so
literally heavy that we can't ignore the glory that so plainly shines on our
unveiled faces.
I just read some old blog posts from six years, prompting me to
write and think so much about how this will progress but still letting the
thoughts come naturally. I want it for me, and I want it for you. That silly
sentence in the beginning was an attempt for me to just practice. But here's
the meat. Let's gooo..
As our launch date is fast approaching and our training camp even
faster approaching, the World Race is constantly on my mind. People continually
ask me if I'm ready or if I'm excited. I enthusiastically reply, "Yes! Absolutely"
but in each conversation, the Lord reminds me that I can't escape from the
reality that I am, in fact, not ready. 11 countries in 11 months? Whew, I know
if I survive this it is fully the Lord's provision and strength. The satisfying
thing is a theme I've been reminded of by my cousin. The Lord doesn't ever call
those who are equipped and qualified. Instead, by the Spirit and in Jesus, he equips
and qualifies those whom he has called.
Glory. I'm deeply entrenched in this word as of late, stemming
from a sermon at my church, Vintage21, (you can listenhere if you'd like) and
ultimately culminating in a conversation with a friend. Both major contributors
spring from Exodus as a biblical reference to recent yearnings of my heart. In
unraveling my preconceived ideas within Christianity, I use this
statement as an anchor to keep myself from the prideful entanglement my
thoughts - "I want the fullness of what the Lord has for me, as raw and as
pure as I can handle, and when I'm full to the brim, I pray the Spirit increase
my capability to receive more." It's crazy. It's good. And it's crazy
good.
In Philippians 2, Paul describes the phenomenon of Jesus being
fully human and fully divine. This is known as "the Kenosis," which means "the
emptying." Jesus exemplified this by taking on the form of a servant, in the
likeness of man. Just as he emptied himself to become a man, while still
maintaining his full divinity, I must also empty myself to become more like
Jesus. I've realized my yearning to be filled with all the fullness the Lord
has for me, but I'm holding back on emptying my chalice that's full of my
wants, desires, and preferences.
In Exodus 33, we find Moses interceding to the Lord on behalf of
the Israelites who have created for themselves an idol of a golden calf days
after their liberation. His prayer is simple, "Show me your ways (v13).
Show me your glory (v18)." The Lord, so graciously, passes by Moses and
the result an inexplicable and uncontainable face shining with the glory of the
Lord. Crazy! If Moses experienced such beauty and shone so brightly that he
wore a veil, how much more should we, temples of the Holy Spirit, shine the
glory of the Lord?
The Hebrew word for 'glory' is "Kabowd", derived from
the root word "Kabad", which translates to 'weighty'. I long for the
fullness of the Lord but still hesitate with the weight of his glory. In the
deep longings of my heart, I want my cup to be full of who I am and what I
want. The truth is I can't desire the fullness of his glory and not allow the
heaviness that follows to fall. These are two opposing ideas. I need to release
my ideas of what it looks like for the Lord to show me his glory. I know it
will end up in splashing "me" waters, spilling out of my cup. That's just
it. There's no testing the waters. There's no checking the conditions. Jesus
says Follow me, and I want to lay
down my nets and follow him, however that may look like and where ever that may
lead.
Spirit, empty me of
myself to be filled with the weight of his glory.
The Lord is doing some of the scariest things in my life, walking me into places of unknown, but it's better and more glorious than I could ever dream up. In reading through Exodus 33:12-17 in church this morning..
I don't fit in with any particular church right now or with any specific organization or even in the same mindset as my closest friends. Is that how it's supposed to be? Even now, as I type these words, I realize I've lost focus on Jesus, on the Father, and on the Spirit. I've never known it to be quite like this. Not that I've focused on something else but rather in order to combat push back of fellow believers I've slipped into a 'my ways are God's ways' mentality. The gospel needs no defending. The Father doesn't need me to represent him; he can do that himself, though he chooses to use me. I have a lot of good suppositions of a lot of things but I know absolutelynothing without first recognizing I know naught and then looking to Jesus for all inspiration, knowing the Spirit will guide me, knowing the Father is already pleased with me.
I don't want to adhere to some side or train of thought or denomination, no matter how deeply I resonate with what they believe, teach, do, etc. I've put my foot in my mouth too many times. I've crushed too many people for the sake of defending opinions that weren't mine. I just want Jesus and all his loveliness. I don't want to point out faults of others when I have the obvious opportunity to create change because of the Spirit in me, to call them to a higher standard because of the Spirit in them, and even strive on their behalf in prayer for the Lord to change in their hearts what they cannot see themselves. I would want that for me, for others to pray that my faults would be broken because I am too blind to see them.
I want Jesus, all of Jesus, and I don't want to hinder anything that gives me more of Jesus. Jesus points to the Father and so I want the Father, all of the Father and I don't want to hinder anything that gives me more of the Father. Jesus has given the Spirit and so I want the Spirit, all of the Spirit and I don't want to hinder anything that gives me more of the Spirit. I want God to change in my heart everything that I understand about him until it's just the pure, raw truth of who he is spoken by him because that's exactly what I want - just him. I don't want my lenses to be of community, of church, of culture. No, my lens is Jesus and through him who has created all these I have an understanding of community, church, culture. I don't want previous understandings of who I understood him to be to cloud more understanding of who he is. I don't want my slice of intellect and knowledge of what it means to follow Jesus to hinder following Jesus when I don't understand these things. Simply, I don't want my known of him to stop me from delving more into the unknown of him. Yes, test all things. Yes, stay away from false teachings and prophets. But if the Spirit empowers us to change the world, can he not do the same to make certain within us the character of who he is when questioning arises?
My highest authority is the Lord. He speaks to me through his Spirit in the tangibility of his word, then through teachers and people over me, then through people I am over, always testing these aspects with my current understanding of who he is. It's a constant double sided sharpening and testing of what I know to what I am taught.
Show me your ways Lord - be it through your word, people, through personal revelation. If you are faithful to me in my unfaithfulness, how much more faithful will you be to me in my Spirit empowered attempts to be faithful. When you called me to yourself, you didn't say walk along side of this church or this organization, but rather walk along side my brothers and sisters, who are the Church. I won't ever have the same perspective as any of them because my understanding of you will always differ from theirs just by my experiences and what you have taught me and revealed to me.
If you go before me, I will go with you - no one planned for the Lord to call them to that person they can't stand, to the closed country that persecutes believers, to martyrdom. His presence is our agenda and if it's not constantly changing us and calling us to greater things, have we created a false presence of the Lord? Does this 'presence' make us full, but never satisfied? Then we have lost sight of his true presence. Ask for it, want it, desire it, long for it, relent to it, however that may look in your life. We can not grow in a relationship without the presence of the one we wish to grow with.
Make this my unceasing goal Father: to want Jesus and to desire those things that help me see Him more clearly and more dearly and then to desire for people to know Jesus and to want to give anything and everything to help them see Him more clearly and more dearly. Destroy all temperance that restrains me from radically loving Jesus and loving others, to placing Him above myself and placing them above myself as well. Make me transparent, vulnerable and a fool for the sake of Jesus and for the sake of others to know Him and know Him more deeply. Bring me low that He be brought higher. Destroy me if it brings any more glory to Your name.
Oh, the depth of the riches
and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how
inscrutable His ways!
Romans 11:33
I have this tendency to view God with a
reverence that makes me feel so unworthy. He is the perfect King, traveling
through the crowded streets, sidewalks straining as the throngs woo and weep
over Him, longing for just a glimpse. And yet, He stops and He turns and He
gets off His horse to speak, to speak to me, a ragamuffin. Not only am I
undeserving, I am ill deserving of such a gift. God is the King of kings and
the Lord of lords, the Creator of galaxies who, according to Isaiah 40:12, is
able to measure the stars with the breadth of His hand and hold the depths of
the seas in the hollow of His hand. He is the painter of the subtle sunrises
and the deepest blues in the twilight sky. Even in our imagination, in the
furthest stretches that we dare or can muster, the Lord is still infinitely
greater than that.
Because of this tendency, I often miss the
characteristics of God the Father, the deep, joyful, abiding love of the
Father. For the past month my church, Vintage21, has been constantly
reiterating the closeness and the intimacy of the King. Matthew 3:2 says,
"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." And why is the
kingdom within reach? Because the King is that close! Our God, the King of all
other kings, is literally within hand's reach.
Last week Vintage taught on Luke 12:32,
"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you
the kingdom." Two things hit me with this verse. One, not only does the
Father give us the kingdom, but He desires to give us the
kingdom. In fact, it is His good pleasure that we might
receive the kingdom of heaven. And secondly, whose place is it to give the
kingdom but the King himself? He who is the King is also the Father.
Transition my heart to understand more of you as
the Father, good and gracious King, that I may dance as a liberated and adopted
son of the Most high, no longer under the orphan identity.
My race, more than the color of my skin and the language I speak More than a 5 or 10k More than a run in the park awaiting for the sound of the gun to blast to activate my stride, my step, my course Destiny in the making, purpose for the taking Awakened in a season, rather forsaken a reason for my being, the reason for my seeing the reason for my hearing, my speaking, my life, my choice My longing to dispose of a comfort and a fear that's recycled and reused me for too long Too many tears not poured into the right soil, the right soul Too many years not reaping the ripe harvest, the right mind set in my ways reevaluating my calling because I couldn't calculate it Reconsidering convenience because I couldn't handle the leaving of home The known for the unknown The digital follow me's that have kept me at ease, appeasing the heart of me Keeping the real followers at a distance for the scarred of me Status-quos, fb statuses for real life and unpredictable challenges so grow and break the rest of me, realizing that all of Him is the only best of me for them to see I lost part of me in the process, part of me in the nonsense part of me to get sense but not change, my life is worth more than dreams that keep me dreaming and people waiting, keep me waiting and people dreaming about a love so deep it keeps them gasping for His air His breath to keep them breathing, His words to keep them believing Longing for more of Him in the form of me and me longing for more of Him in the form of them, so I go.
There have been a lot of blocks that have kept me from putting up new posts. In general, it takes me a while to just sort out my thoughts and then to release them in a manner that is understandable and compelling is so draining sometimes that I'm just completely hindered by the thought of it before I even begin. But I also recognize that I've never kept a blog for the benefit of the readers, relating to the people who are with me on this journey. My xanga (you can have a good laugh from old posts) was always my thoughts written for me, a record for me to come back and understand where I was and how that's different from where I am. Lastly, I recognize that I tend to write only when I feel like I have things figured out, only when I've chewed the cud enough (so to speak). But oohhhhh boy, am I being broken of that.
Did you know your body replaces cells every 7 years? Or so the saying goes. Whether or not it's true, I think the implications of the matter are refreshing to think about. I am literally not the same person as when I was born. Not the same as this joker at least..
What does this point to? That there are seasons. There are cycles. There are ebbs and flows in our lives. There is, as Ecclesiastes 3 points out, a time for everything. I don't think it's a difficult thing to understand or even see, as we're not aloof from these cycles in our lives personally but also in the world around us. The danger for me is to take the passive route, to know these truths that are a part of my life and to just let them be. For better or worse, things will eventually come back around.
But I'm missing the better part of it. In the last two months, there are desires in my heart of changes I long to see come pass or visions I want to see come to fruition. In those past two months I was asking, "Why will you not make these happen?" And God, in only the gracious way He can, kept instilling the word 'create' in my heart over the past couple of weeks. Create, begin, initiate, start, invite. Surely I knew this, but I constantly need to be reminded time and time again because of my short sightedness. I am the object of God's furious love, AND I am the instrument of God's furious love for others. Because of the Spirit inside of me, I have the power to speak life into other people, or death. Too long have I sat in my seat of passivity while the Lord continually urges my heart to follow in His likeness as Creator - to begin conversations of substance, to allow the Spirit to work, to invite people to see the goodness of Jesus. I want to see change? That's me! That's you! By the Spirit, through Jesus, to be the change for people to experience the inexpressible love and joy of the Father!
There are seasons and we are called to create. But they're not diametrically opposed. So let us create the seasons, the cycles, the atmospheres that allow us to see the Son more clearly. In order to be change, you have to change. Give way for the cycle of change, just as your body changes and replenishes cells. Refresh your love of the Lord. Let the Father speak beauty back into your life. Let go of all the preconceived notions that you have of how God should be, what the church should look like, why you do things the way you do. Let God whisper His truths into your heart again, as pure and as raw as you can manage, and allow yourself to be transformed first by the Spirit then by a church or a community or a culture.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come! All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliations; that is, in Christ god was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. - II Corinthians 5:17-21
Heavenly Father, thank You for not allowing us to wallow in our own attempts and strength. You've given us vision, and You've given us the avenue for that vision. Teach us to create. Psalm 51 is our prayer. Create in us a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within us. Cast us not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from us. Restore to us the JOY of Your salvation and uphold us with a willing spirit. Amen.
There's a lot to donating monetarily but it's relatively simple when you have all the details. I hope this will help to clear up any concerns or questions that you may have.
There are two main ways to give:
1. Donating online via this blog
2. Mailing in a check to the Adventures in Missions office
Simple enough. On the left hand side there are a list of links. Click Support Me! and there are instructions for both donating online or by check through mail.
Here are some important things to highlight:
Though donating online via debit or credit card is more convenient, 3% is taken from the donation for processing fees
Donations made via check are also fully given to my account. It may take up to 3 weeks to process whereas online donations take only 3-4 days.
Please make checks out to 'Adventures in Missions' with my name in the memo
Adventures in Missions does not accept cash donations
All donations are tax deductible
There are deadlines that I must meet, and are as follows:
$3,500 Due 05/01/2012 (Two weeks before my training camp)
$6,500 Due 06/17/2012 (Two weeks before we leave!)
$11,000 Due 10/01/2012 (End of our 3rd month on the field)
$15,500 Due 01/01/2013 (End of our 6th month on the field)
Here is a visual aid to show you where the proceeds of your donations go:
There are things that are constant in this life. Jesus is one of them. My brokenness is another.
Foundations. That's what I like to label these posts because I desire solid grounding before I head out for the adventure of my very short lifetime. But it's funny. Foundations must always be reassessed, not in the fact that the groundwork has been mislaid, rather, my perception always seems to be skewed over time.
Love
Love is multilayered and expansive. More than I can muster; more than I can explain.. the depth of the love the Lord cannot be contained in such tiny containers of man's feeble words. Even in the farthest stretches of your imagination, the expanse of the God and who He is is infinitely greater than that.
Think about that for a second. I cannot, you cannot, even comprehend the idea of the word 'infinite'. We both have good understandings, maybe even the best suppositions, but we cannot fully grasp the depth of infinity. So how then can we grasp the magnitude of the One who gives definition to infinity?
Jesus, the Son of the only One who is good, left heaven for a place and eternity for time, choosing to be surrounded by brokenness rather than perfection, because of LOVE. He became the infinite in an infant, walking among those who had rebelled against Him, was rebelling against Him, and would eventually rebel to the point of nailing Him on the cross. The One whose very word brings life was disdained and despised. When all the sin within us caused us to runaway, He came searching and rescuing us, even though it was no fault of His, no responsibility of His. And when He came, we murdered Him. We murdered Love. Not that Jesus didn't give His life over willingly, because He did, but because of the malice in our hearts, it was murder.
But He rose! Hallelujah He rose! He rose above all the throes of death, above everything that we could throw against Him, every transgression that we committed could not keep down the love that burns for us. Jesus took His heart, His beating heart and transfused it into our dry, weary bones. And from that heart grew sinews and tissues, muscles and skin, bringing life to that which once was dead.
Death to Life
We have been saved from what we deserve to be given what we cannot earn! Innocent blood spilt for the reckless life I've led, and yet perfect righteous for the life that I cannot lead.
